Big Sausage Breaks Record

Ypsilanti, MI

A recent fundraising event shocked a small town when it was revealed that participants in a bratwurst eating contest would be shoving 20-foot long bratwursts that each weighed close to 6 pounds into their mouths. Twelve competitors worked for weeks to stretch their stomachs before coming out to chow down. Other than spending a few hours on the toilet after the contest, the entire event was a huge success. Nearly $7,000 was raised in the honor of hunger awareness, which was the charity the contest was held for. No truly needy or hungry people were given the opportunity to compete however, as officials cited a conflict of interest.

A Beer Lovers Wet Dream

Schloss Starkenberger, Austria

If staying in a castle isn’t a good enough vacation for you, a castle-turned-hotel in Austria is now offering the best happy hour deal around. New 13-foot spas have been put in the castle’s underground vaults and patrons can now enjoy a luxurious bath – in beer. Apparently it has enormous health benefits but besides that, it’s good clean fun. Guests are asked not to drink from the tubs but are given their own brews to keep them occupied while they’re otherwise immersed. This extra vacation benefit gives another meaning to enjoying your suds and is expected to cause other nearby hotels to brew over the fact that they didn’t think of this first.

Repeat Offender

Tom’s River, NJ

Some people just never learn. A man who robbed a children’s shoe store years ago is now back in prison for the same crime. Apparently he served his 15-year sentence, got out, went straight back to the shoe store and robbed it again. He didn’t get very far before being picked up by police again, who shook their heads as they placed him in handcuffs. When asked for a statement, the criminal said he old prison roommate made a better one than his wife ever would and the food was better on the inside too, so he was happy to go back. No word on whether the wife would be paying him conjugal visits during this second incarceration or if that was something the roommate handled, too.

One Shrewd Way to Lose Weight

Liverpool, England

A hungry couple devoured half a bag of chips one recent afternoon before deciding to control themselves and pack the rest for their son’s lunch the next day. However when they went to dump the rest of the bag out they found an unwanted surprise at the bottom of the bag – a dead shrew. Eww. After brushing their teeth for roughly half an hour, the couple called the company who manufactured the chips and raised a stink. There is an ongoing investigation and they’re just glad the cat, er shrew, didn’t get out of the bag during their son’s lunch, as he’s already a picky enough eater. The young boy will be receiving carrot sticks for lunch from now on and they will be paid for by the makers of the chips.

Easy Bake Vending Machine

New York City, NY

Americans are giving other countries something else to roll their eyes over with the release of new 24-hour cupcake ATM machines in one NYC hotspot. Other machines are expected to open as the first was sold out in mere hours, proving that New Yorkers not only want their cupcake fix but are also willing to pay nearly $5 to get it. Colorado marijuana dispensary owners have taken note and a few are in the process of patenting cupcake ATMs for their own stores. Now if they could just get Taco Bell vending machines, business would really be sky high.

Ireland Needs Ewes

Dublin, Ireland

In order to host this year’s Golden Shears World Championships, Irish contestants are in need of roughly 6,000 shaggy sheep. The “Olympics of Sheep Shearing” will be soon taking place and the prices for the young ewes are skyrocketing as farmers are under pressure to sell before the four-day annual competition. The entire event has turned into a chaotic display of shears, sheep and friendly rivalry as everyone gathers for the contest. And in an effort not to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes, all sheep are being closely monitored for signs of early shearing or any other illicit sheep-related behavior.

Not Exactly a No Brainer

West Philly, PA

Just in time for the recent season finale of “The Walking Dead”, a brewing company in Philadelphia is releasing a zombie-inspired brew that is sure to give your heart a jolt. The newly named Dock Street Walker features wheat, oats, barley, cranberry and, most importantly, smoked goat brains. No goats were harmed in the making of this beverage but it might not go down easy for the faint of heart. This heady beverage won’t be a permanent addition to their drink list but will be around long enough to bring some fresh bodies into the bar. 

About The Author
Author: Paige Turner


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